My Puppy Goes to Heaven: Brownies Should Always Accompany Sorrow
My baby, Sister, died last Thursday. I feel like my heart is breaking.
Let me start with the story of how I got Sister, so you can understand why she is so important…
This is Milly. Milly was my dog in college. Unlike most people, I would say I had a pretty crappy college experience. I started at BU and then transfered to UGA. My life at UGA was sad and lonely (except for you Lindley) due to the fact that I transfered and didn’t get a chance to know anybody outside my high school friends.
I got Milly about a month after going to UGA, and she and I did everything together. She went to class with me most of the time… we cleaned my apartment and watched movies and went on car trips. You name it… Milly came. In 2008 Milly was killed by a pit bull I invited in to my home. I had never been exposed to a pit bull before and innocently thought a dog was a dog. As Milly ran up to greet the pit bull, it bit Milly’s neck and she died instantly. I can say without a shadow of a doubt it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I could not see a way to go on: I invited the dog in that killed my Milly and truly accepted all blame for her death. I had killed my best friend. I have never been lower than I was that day.
In an effort to cheer me up/keep me sane, my mom insisted we get a new puppy right away. She and my bffs Brittany and Matthew and I piled in the car and went back to the breeder to get another yorkie. I looked at all the puppies and did not bond with any of them…
I saw this one puppy in the corner but refused to hold her because she looked so much like Milly. (see how similar they look?) When I decided I did not like any of the other puppies I finally asked to hold the last one, and I broke down as soon as I got her in my arms. I kept saying over and over that I couldn’t take the puppy… she just looked too much like Milly. At that moment two things happened. The puppy jumped up and started licking the tears off of my face just as the breeder said, “Well of course she looks like Milly. That’s Milly’s Sister.”
From that day on Sister and I were connected at the hip. I felt like God had given my my best friend again. This was my second chance. I loved Sister as much as I could possibly love her. I slept with her every night and told her I loved her constantly. I call her my angel, and I believe she was.
When Jimmy and I were planning our trip to New York I looked into doggie airfare because I just didn’t want to be without Sister for 10 days. It turns out it would have cost me $450 to take her with me, which was a luxury I could not afford. She spent the holidays with my mom and her dog Tommy (i.e. Sister’s boyfriend). The last day of our trip my mom called and told me that Sister had hurt her hind leg and was running a little funny. We got home late on the night of the 2nd and went straight to Mom’s to get Sister. I saw what Mom was talking about… Sister was running a little funny. As I went to sleep that night with Sister next to me I noticed she was breathing a little funny as well. Early on the morning of the 3rd, Sister and I went over to Treehouse Animal Clinic. I was expecting them to tell me she had fallen or gotten stepped on, etc. At the best I was expecting she needed time, at the worst a small surgery. I was not prepared for the doctor to tell me her condition was neurological. He said one of her eyes was dilated more than the other, which pointed to a neurological condition. The vet took some blood work and started Sister on a course of antibiotics and steroids. I gave her the medicine religiously, and I swear I saw some improvement.
On Thursday the 5th the vet called and said Sister did not have an infection, which meant it truly was a neurological condition. She referred us to Georgia Veterinary Specialist where we met with a neurologist (Jan.9th). I was convinced there was nothing truly wrong with Sister. I was thinking maybe she was tired or injured. I was totally unprepared for his diagnosis, which was Yorkie Encephalitis. The vet said that the only treatment was to start her on a strong dose of steroids, and even then she may only live 4-6 weeks. I would rather have been kicked in the face with a metal boot.
In total disbelief my mom and I headed to Athens to the UGA College of Veterinary Medicine on the morning of the 10th. This is a photo of my sweet Sister on the way to Athens. When we got there I recounted her symptoms, which were: back legs moving at a different rate that the front legs, her body seemed crooked, head tilt, trouble breathing, general confusion and extreem neediness/lack of ability to climb stairs. They did an MRI and spinal tap and came back with the same result. Encephalitis. Instead of explaining it as a death sentence, the vets there seems confident they could help her and prolongue her life with Chemo. They asked us to leave her there with them until the 13th so the could monitor the Chemo injections. Even though I was going to miss her, I agreed.
On the morning of the 12th they called and said Sister was having trouble breathing. They did a chest x-ray, and her lungs were almost full of fluid. Mom, Jimmy and I headed to Athens knowing it was not going to be pleasant. When we got there we were lead in to see Sister in an oxygen container that looked like an incubator. She looked happy and alert. I asked to hold her. As soon as they handed her to me she started panting in the most horrible way. She just could not breathe outside the chamber. That’s when it hit me just how sick she really was. We put her back in the chamber and went into a room to talk. The vet told us that she did not know where the fluid came from or how long it had been there… but I did. I knew her breathing had been off since the night I picked her up on the 2nd. Nobody had thought it was an issue because they could not hear any crackling sounds in her lungs (the sign of fluid). Nobody thought to do a chest x-ray. When I told the vet how long it had been going on she looked disheartened. She said that even if Sister could get over the fluid in her lungs, which was very serious, she was still facing a very dangerous condition with her Encephalitis. It was then I knew she had fought enough. I didn’t want her to go through anything else… because the end would not be good. I wanted to be there with her at the end.
I decided to put her to sleep. They brought her out to me in her favorite orange blanked I had just gotten her for Christmas. They laid her in my arms. I told her how much I loved her. I told her she had saved my life. I told her how grateful I was to be her mom, and how much I would miss her. She died in my arms with me telling her how much I loved her.
Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I feel like there is a hole in my heart, and it physically aches. I miss her all day every day. I miss her at bed time. I miss her sleeping next to me. I miss her in the morning when we would go on Facebook and she would type while I dried my hair. I miss her in the car… I even miss her accidents in the house. I miss her watching over me and making sure I am ok… even though I pray she still does that.
Time has not made it any easier…
Because I could not imagine going through this pain alone, Jimmy and I decided to get a puppy. Her name is Charlotte. She is a malitpoo/mutt/redneck. She is fiesty and bitey and terribly tough and sweet. She likes to eat a lot and lay on her back. She is strong and determined… and she is mine. I love her to death, but GOD do I still miss Sister.
I am trying to take it day by day, and with the help of Charlotte and Jimmy and my family and my amazing Friends, I pray I can get through this. I was having a particularly hard day today, and the pain in my chest had almost become unbearable, when these arrived in the mail…
Capella, thank you so very much for sending just what I needed at the exact moment I needed it. Your brownies gave me the strength to write this post, which I have been dreading. Although it was amazingly sad, I knew it would help me to tell the story of what happened to my sweet Sister. You’re such a good friend. Thank you.
If you guys are looking for me today… I’ll be next to the brownies 
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That is so freaking sad! I cannot imagine. One of my dog’s just had a scare and had to have back surgery. I was a wreck. I am so sorry for you having to loose two doggies. I hope your new puppy brings you some joy.
Heather
Thank you so much Heather. Your comment really means a lot to me… it is very sad
Thinking of you!
Thank you!
I am so sorry for your lose Blayne. I have been following your updates about sister via Facebook. I always wondered why her name was Sister and I’m glad I read this post to understand. I have never had a dog in my life, but reading your posts where you express such love for your dogs makes me consider getting a pet one day. It sounds like all three dogs have added an immeasurable amount of growth to your life. I hope that Charlotte and the brownies help cheer you up
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. It has been hard, but I would;t trade it for the love I got form those babies. They have enhanced my like 100%. I could not recommend it more. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment.
I am sorry about Sister!!! I feel trite in saying this, but I really do believe that all dogs go to heaven. Charlotte looks precious…I like that’s she got some redneck in her
No… that wasn’t the best childhood movie of all time for nothing! I totally agree. I hope sister went up there and joined milly straight away! They are such a cute pair.
So heartbreaking. I know how it feels. It took me a year not to break down in tears over how much I missed my pet. I felt like I hurt more than anyone has ever hurt over anything and that nobody else truly understood. I had to cry myself to sleep clutching a stuffed animal many a night, but I promise it gets better. Hang in there. Cry you heart out. Eat your brownies. Enjoy that new little puppy while she is still an adorable pain. In a year you will love her just as much.
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment. I feel like that too… Like nobody in the world could possibly understand how badly I am hurting. I have a teddy bear that has been sleeping in the bed with me in the spot where Sister slept. Thank you for letting me know it gets easier.
RIP miss sister! we will miss you! love you blayne, chin up! let me know if i can help with your new little rascal
Thank you love! I am going to have to bring Charlotte over to play with Bugsy… so maybe she can get some of her energy out.
This made me cry. I hope writing it helped heal part of the hole in your heart, but I hope the hole never completely heals so you can always remember how wonderful Sister was. She is playing in heaven with my Minnie and your Milly! :::hugs and kisses:::
Thank you! Love you!
Hearts are broken here.
Rudyard Kipling
“…When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone–wherever it goes–for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear….”
http://www.dog-names.org.uk/dog-poems-poetry-power-dog.htm
So sorry to hear about your puppy. This happened to me not long ago and I have a new puppy too. They really do help…after a while. My puppy Janie just makes me smile.
xo, Lissy
Oh Blayne, so beautifully written, straight from the heart. May Charlotte give you as much joy as Sister and Milly.
Let me know if you want to set up a ‘doggie date’ with Ben the golden retriever – it’s good to socialize puppies when they are babies. Ben is a big dog, but he thinks he is a little dog (and he loves tiny puppies). He is very, very gentle and kind. Also, would love to see you!
I am so, so sorry to hear of your sadness, Blayne. Anyone who has ever loved and lost a pet can relate to what you are going through. I know that your new precious pup cannot ever replace Sister, but she is so adorable and can hopefully give you some comfort at this time.
Blayne!! I am so so sorry for your loss. I too was following your updates about sister on Facebook and I just assumed she got better
I’m keeping you in my prayers and know that it will get better with time!
I just want to give you a big hug. This post brought tears to my eyes and I am feeling so sad for you because I sense your profound loss and pain. Losing ones best friend once is horrible, losing them twice is just heart and gut wrenching. I am happy you have a new best friend to bond with an keep you busy but I know the void of Sister is still huge and I can only hope that with each passing day it will be a little tiny bit easier for you.
Only those of us who have had/or have a pet can understand fully the connection we have with our pets. They truly become a part of our life and really do make the most amazing friends.
Until the sun comes out again for you…..my umbrella is big enough for two:)
A POEM FOR THE GRIEVING…
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die…
-Anonymous
Blayne, I’m so sorry to hear about Sister, especially since you’ve already gone through so much.
Let’s get together sometime soon.
Blayne, it is just heart-wrenching to read all that you have been through with pups! I’m so sad for your losses. I hope Charlotte will be a comforting companion and friend while you grieve Sister. She looks so very sweet!
Pets definitely see us through hard and lonely times — If I hadn’t had my cat during grad school I don’t know what I would have done. I know Sister is so special to you. I’m thinking of you and am glad you’re surrounded by such wonderful friends and family!
I am so very sad for you & my heart goes out to you. Sister will always have a special place in your heart but there is always room for others, specifically Charlotte. I love my dogs as if they are my children, so I can understand how difficult this must be. Hoping that Charlotte makes you smile & laugh, & eases the loss of your pups.
Oh gosh…that was such a sweet tribute, but I am so sad for you. I can remember putting down my Old English 4 years ago and it was tragic. 3 weeks later, I rescued 2 more, but it does not take away the pain from losing your baby. My heart is heavy after that story….I am off to hug my babies
Hi, Blayne – I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our beloved 15 year old chocolate Lab Mr. Sammy 2 1/2 years ago after my mom passed away earlier in the month and it still hurts. Losing both of them was devastating. It’s never easy to say goodbye. Just remember the good times you had with your furry baby and how much joy she brought to your life. She will always be remembered but never be forgotten.
Sending you a hug form Maryland…
So sorry to hear about your sweet dog. They really are part of the family. Here is to hoping that you have just as much fun with your next dog, although it might take a while. Hang in there.
I was sitting in the my Drs. waiting room reading your very sad news! Completely lost it with tears streaming down my face! I felt your fear, I felt your loss and felt the final end of pain and sorrow! Losing our pets is like losing a part of you and your family! Hang in there! The days will get better the pain will lessen and your memories of her will stay strong forever!
Wishing you all the best with your new arrival, and though she has slipped in there to warm your hearts…she knows you miss sister!
I forgot to add this to my previous post…you should submit your story to BARK magazine. It would be a perfect match.
Blayne- I’m so sorry about Sister. What a hard decision, but I know she is much better now!
Blayne, big hugs coming to you across the internet. Hope that all of us reading this can shoulder a bit of the heartache for you.
I’m sorry to hear about Sister, and Milly. I know that is so hard to go through, especially when it is so sudden. Thanks for sharing the story. I enjoy reading your blog and filled out your survey request whenever you did that awhile ago and selected all of the house/design answers since that’s the real reason I started reading your blog…however!!, I love the mix of personal writings that you add in. I look forward to hearing more about Charlotte! (and I keep meaning to go back and print off and make that stew recipe that you posted, I think you said it was your grandmother’s recipe, it sounded delish!)
So sorry about your little Sister–I know it must be hard, especially since it was so sudden. It just sucks. Hopefully Jimmy, chocolate and Charlotte help as you grieve your loss.
Hi Blayne,
I don’t know you, but stumbled upon your page looking for information on Yorkie Encephalitis.
I got my first Yorkie in the fall of 2007 when I began law school. We named her Chloe. She was a great companion and we loved her so much. In January of 2010 she was hit by a car in front of our house and passed away. I could never have imagined how much it would hurt to lose a pet.
We got another Yorkie in August of 2010, from the same breeder. She was not Chloe’s sister, but they were related as Fancy’s father was actually Chloe’s great grandfather. Fancy was 2 years old when we got her, and she could never replace Chloe, but we love her so much in her own way.
The vets have now determined that Fancy has either Yorkie Encephalitis or GME (another form of encephalitis), but they are not sure which one.
My heart goes out to you for your loss of both of your girls, and your post brought me to tears because it seemed to be similar to our situation. I just don’t understand why bad things happen to good people and good animals. I am so sorry for your losses, and hope that you can heal.
Exquisitely painful but beautiful to read. Beginnings, endings and beginnings again. This brought tears to me through similar times while I lived in Atlanta and lost two beautiful German Shorthaired Pointers through equally painful experiences. You almost retraced my steps with the trip to the Vet School in Athens with another pet and decisions to put down a horse or two resulting from freak unmanageable issues. After a while you will find that your precious new addition soothes the pain of the loss and you will remain with the best memories of Sister. Thank you for writing of such a moving experience.
Blayne – I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. I lost my beloved dog five years ago and I still miss her. Our pets are such a big part of our lives and it’s like losing a family member when they die. I’m so glad that you got a new puppy and she looks absolutely adorable. Of course, she’ll never replace Milly or Sister, but she’ll help you get through the pain and sorrow. Good thoughts coming your way!
Blayne,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of you beloved dog Sister( and Milly). Dogs hold such a special place in the human heart when they leave us, there is a gaping hole.
I had 3 dogs growing up, all were run over by cars. It was devastaing each and every time, that it took me until 5 years ago to have another dog. She brings our family so much joy, it’s hard to imagine life without a dog ever again!
Enjoy your new girl, she’ll help heal your heart, and leave you with sweet memories of Sister.
xo,
~R
I found youvia Belgian Pearls and you both have such gorgeous websites. So sorry to hear about Sister. Charlotte is so, so cute and I’m sure she’ll fill your days with lots of happy moments.
I am so sorry to read about Sister passing. That day is always a top 10 worst day….no matter how old one gets or how many soul mates go to heaven before us. As I move into middle age and it has dawned on me that I too may be mortal, I really am comforted by the thought of my beloved childhood and young adult dogs wagging their tails and pressing their noses against the other side of the pearly gates as I approach one day. Of course my crowd is already rather large, and I suspect your welcome home crowd will be also by the time you are 90!
We are so fortunate to share our lives with these dogs, even though the heartbreak of losing them is so gut wrenching. I simply choose to think of it as temporary.
On another note, your photographs of homes and gardens are simply stunning. You capture the way those for whom these houses are home see them. Brilliant work.